Joe Kaiser

fuck you johannesburg!

some people might ask hey man why are you going to johannesburg? what's there? why are you paying for a hotel there? I'M NOT. fuckin credit card number theft. but citi shut down my card and fixed it for me so i don't have to pay it anymore. thanks citi.

This movie is about how steroids are not that bad but America is addicted to winning. They spent a little too much time defending steroids but whatever. I liked the part where he made his own shitty dietary supplement. Fuck u orrin hatch

This one time amazon gave me an 11 cent refund on a pre order cause the price dropped. It was a nice gesture but I really didn't give a shit.

This is about how women are naturally pretty JUST THE WAY THEY ARE and it had some gross parts (plastic surgery videos!) and some good facts (models are skinny because fabric is expensive apparently!) So whatever, eat as many chicken nuggets as you like, ladies

Aight so I picked this movie because Netflix said it was a con artist heist movie and also a comedy and john c. reilly and maggie gyllenhaal were both in it. cool. but what no one told me was that it was a remake of the Argentinian film nine queens which was great. So now I have to think back on that movie and compare and contrast them. But I don't want to. So this movie was good and the other one was good, so see either or both.

this game is the boss. you get fire water earth and air and have to combine them to create all sorts of other crap. the difficulty remains kind of constantly challenging because at the beginning you're stuck with the hard to remember primordial soup bullshit and then later there's just too many things. but it's just such a simple amount of fun. good job, alchemy.

this was a straight to dvd movie about a guy who threatens to blow up nuclear bombs in three US cities and about the shit samuel l. jackson has to do to get him to not blow up those bombs, and maybe it's actually the guy wants to make a point about torture? i was hoping for a trashy action suspense disaster thriller guy but it was more of a torture patriot act meditation thing. and i watched all 8 seasons of 24 in full, and i even watched the tv movie special that they made after the writer's strike, so i kind of have thought enough about what torture means? not a lot of interesting new perspectives guys. it was OK i guess.

the movie is about chinese kids having a class election. there's a girl who cries a lot but is trying to reform her image, a manipulative fatty, and a tough on crime incumbent. the kids have never democracied before, why would they, but they learn about attack ads real fast. the fat one gets everyone to boo the little girl when she plays flute and then blames it on the incumbent. the incumbent bribes people with exciting public works projects! that is to say, his dad gets the class a ride on the monorail, and he gives everyone a present. the girl just tries to be nice. and all of them are kids so there's lots of crying and tantrums. you know who wins? SPOILER ALERT: the incumbent. politics is the same everywhere! sorry little girl. END SPOILER ALERT

even though this is a comedy i remember it more as a drama/comedy - a "dramamedy" - because most of what i remember is how deeply sad it all was and the gradual progress the dude made. example: in an early episode monk froze up on a ladder due to being afraid of heights, in a late episode he had a fight with a window washer many stories up. progress! the last few episodes really highlighted this. but we watched some first season episodes that were very sad, and also some second season episodes. Wife hadn't seen them and they rerun on "sleuth tv" sometimes. but still! a very funny show about a very sad man. it is in the hall of fame.

here is what is surprising about my current life: the only two albums i bought in 2011 have been white people music, and the next album i plan to buy (REM) is also white people music. now don't get me wrong, i am white people. fine. but this is a genre i don't go back to fantastically often. i would expect my first album purchase of the year to be eSouljaBoyHarmony or Thug Motivation 103: Topics in Advanced Trapology. Not that this isn't a good album. Very good songs. Good riffs. lots of basics? i just feel like the decemberists are floating away from hot indiesque band and more toward the zone of my brain that quietly hums barenaked ladies songs this morning at walgreens. the part that fills in the fans-only concert version of the lyrics to pinch me and giggles at how pg-13 it is. i guess the point is that there are bands that i get excited about and blog about and like to talk to my friends about how they are missing out, and then there are bands that i listen to on headphones silently who remind me of a certain awkward time in my life who i sometimes have dreams about being friends with, and the decemberists are moving from category 1 to category 2. still a good album!

i haven't used this as much as it has gone through rapid changes, but i have been playing the mediocre-ass city builder tycoon city new york, which manages to have little challenge, occasional bugs, and occasional mild political incorrectness. example: everyone on the upper west side apparently loves synagogues and bagel shops. one of the missions is to build a cheap crap empire in chinatown. also, there's a lot of advertising in this game. you can put billboards and shit on your buildings, for sure, but the most egregious is sponsored buildings - loews, staples, hertz car rental, lacoste, nba store. great! but when you put that shit in one of your neighborhoods EVERYONE LOVES IT. literally everyone. i find it hard to believe that everyone in harlem would go apeshit for a hertz car rental. for real.

petplan fucked me up. they sent me a letter saying they were cancelling my insurance but really they just changed to a different company that insures more of my cat. great! that's great. but you think they could have at least explained a little bit in the letter, though. just a little.

i believe this is the price for a year of internet streaming? i guess that makes sense. some days i listen to girl talk and kanye all day, other days i feel like listening to none of my vast collection of music and fart around on backspin and xmu and occasionally 80s on 8 if "money for nothing" is on or 90s on 9 if anything from "jagged little pill" is on.

mashup album idea: jagged lil wayne.

i had a to-do list so i decided to plug in astrid because wife swears by it and it makes more sense than my weird way. i haven't checked it for a couple of days though. i don't know maybe i need to get into a habit or somesuch.

BATTERIES ARE CHEAP. SHOULD I ONLY BUY OEM BATTERIES? SOME OF THEM HAVE NEAT FEATURES BUT I'M SKEPTICAL.

I BOUGHT THIS BECAUSE WIFE'S PHONE IS ACTING UP AND HAS GONE THROUGH TWO BATTERIES ALREADY. MY PHONE HAS SOME CHARGING ISSUES BUT I KEEP AROUND A SPARE BATTERY THAT I CHARGE EXTERNALLY JUST IN CASE. I THINK IT MIGHT BE MY CABLE THOUGH, AND THAT ISSUE SEEMS MOSTLY FIXED? IUNNO.

this is the battery i bought when i thought my phone was fucked. turns out it wasn't, the battery just died and it got into a boot loop. found a way around it so it's fine. boing.

i thought my phone battery was fucked, and so i bought a new battery, and then i realized it might not be fucked, so i bought a battery charger so that i could swap out batteries when i make too many kindles, this one is fine. it supports three different kinds of batteries! pretty messed up. recommended if you have one of those batteries.

(to the tune of the devil went down to georgia)

well sixtimes went down to sports authority
he was lookin for a bike lock
picked up a bike lock and almost went and bought it
but then scanned it into his amazon app and found the lock for $15 less but there were a bunch of people bitching about having their bikes stolen
so then looked for another one on amazon with better ratings and found this one and it was fine.

(fiddle solo)